Him, Her, etc.

My Sweet Son,

This is something I intended to do with each passing month, but here we are four months into your little life and only now am I finally recording a few details about who you are right now. At least I’ve remembered to record your growth in monthly pictures. But pictures can only tell so much. There is so much more I hope I never forget.

Tomorrow you will be four months old, and I can hardly believe it. It’s strange to think that not long ago you were still in my tummy and was dreaming of what you’d be like. We can’t seem to figure out who you look like. Some days we hear you look like me, others you look like your dad. Sometimes you look like your uncles Kristian and Ethan, and sometimes you look like your Nana Jana. But every day you change and grow, and so we say you just look like Griffin.

Being your mother has been pure joy to me, and each day I love you more and more. It’s been a humbling and wonderful experience so far. You are a sweet, pleasant, easygoing baby. You love to smile, but only rarely laugh. In the past few days you’ve discovered that you can blow raspberries, and it is your favorite thing to do now. Occasionally you cry, but not for long, and nursing can soothe away just about all your tears.

You have always been a good sleeper, waking up once in the early hours of the morning for a quick snack and quickly drifting off to sleep again until 8:30 or so. Then you wake up with a wide smile, and you love to cuddle and chatter in bed with mommy and daddy. We both treasure these sweet mornings with you.

For weeks I’ve been saying, “I think he’s teething,” because you’re drooling like crazy and you are putting everything within reach straight into your mouth. Even though you love sucking on your fingers and toys, you refuse to take any sort of pacifier or bottle. For now, only the “real thing” will do, and that’s just fine with me. I love our little quiet moments together, and I know they are fleeting! You are growing up so fast.

You are a big baby - 19 lbs and 26 inches tall. Lately, whenever you are being held, you prefer pushing up to stand rather than sitting. Sometimes you even fuss about it if the person holding you won’t help you stand up. The moment you start standing you get a little victorious gleam in your eye and a grin on your face.

Another of your favorite things to do is anything that involves getting you naked, whether it’s a diaper change or bath time. You kick and wiggle with delight when you are finally free of your clothes. After your bath in the evening, I set you down on a blanket in your birthday suit and let you roll around and enjoy your freedom before getting you ready for bed. You love it! But you are starting to get frustrated on the floor lately. You are ready to crawl, but you just can’t figure out how to do it. You curl your knees up under you, but you haven’t figured out the arms, and usually end up pushing your face into the floor. And then you get mad. I can tell you will be mobile before long—you are quite determined.

We just celebrated your first Christmas, and I kept thinking to myself that my Christmas present came early this year, in August. It’s strange to think that a year ago we didn’t yet realize you were growing inside of me, and now we can’t imagine life without you. My life has been forever changed in the most wonderful way. I love being your mommy and my heart is so full that sometimes it hurts. I thank God for you, my son Griffin. And I love you forever.

It’s hard to believe that less than two weeks ago I had never met this amazing little creature, my baby Griffin. The hours I’ve spent staring into his eyes or watching him sleep or kissing his little cheeks have all run together. I’m completely lost in this new world and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sometimes I stop and think for a minute about the “freedom” of my former life. My time, my body, my sleep was my own and there wasn’t really anyone (other than my husband) who had a claim on it. But motherhood is truly a life of beautiful, willing sacrifice. Or at least it can be. Certainly, the nights of very little sleep start to catch up with me from time to time. There have been moments in the wee hours of the morning when I hear Griffin stirring and I shut my eyes a little tighter, wanting just a little more sleep. Those moments are fleeting. When I hold him close to me and see him rooting around excitedly, or hear him sigh contentedly and open his little hand against my chest, or bury my nose in the curve of his neck and inhale his perfect baby scent, I count every moment as joy.

Isn’t it amazing, how God has crafted the love of a mother for her child? I’m constantly stunned by the power and fierceness of this love.

Each day my cherished boy is changing and developing and growing. I see his personality showing more and more, and already I’m feeling those motherly pangs of sweet sadness that my baby is growing up. And yet, I love knowing him better and better with each passing day. There is something so wonderful about sharing this connection with another human being. I used to hear women talk about how they understood their babies’ different cries and expressions, and thought that was so strange. Now I understand.

I can’t seem to avoid getting sentimental as I write, but my purpose in this post originally was to share what these first several days have been like—and what I have loved and needed.  When I first learned I was pregnant and started thinking about a baby registry I was completely overwhelmed. How in the world would I know what this baby needed before he was even born? Every person, every website, every book, etc. had different ideas on what was truly necessary for a newborn.

One thing I’ve found to be true: you don’t really need very much. But there are some things that have been really nice to have on hand.

1. Itty bitty diapers.

Originally we purchased Huggies Little Snugglers. We will soon be using cloth diapers, but right now Griffin’s 7 lbs body is just too tiny. And those first few meconium diapers will stain cloth. These Huggies also have a little cut out for the umbilical cord, which needs air to dry out and fall off. These diapers were great, I thought—until I found myself out at the pediatrician’s office without a spare diaper. Luckily, they had some extras on hand—but theirs were Pampers Swaddlers. 

These diapers are so soft and we’ve had fewer leaks (especially at night). Until Griffin is big enough for his soft and gentle cloth diapers, these are a great alternative.

2. Boppy and My Brest Friend

I registered for and received both of these breastfeeding support pillows, and have gotten great use out of them.

My Brest Friend was a lifesaver for me when I was inexperienced at breastfeeding and Griffin and I were still struggling to get a good latch (this is extremely important to the success of breastfeeding!). Breastfeeding was challenging for us at first—I was struggling with engorgement (awful.) and Griffin was having trouble getting the hang of things. This pillow really helped with correct positioning and support when I needed to use both of my hands to get situated.

I was determined to successfully breastfeed, and everyday it comes more naturally. I still use My Brest Friend from time to time (usually at night), but it’s easier sometimes to reach for the Boppy and just plop it on my lap. Now that I’m moving around a lot, I’m often breastfeeding while eating dinner or throwing the laundry in the wash, so I simply use an arm for support. But when I’m sitting and relaxing it’s nice to have a little extra support under his body. The Boppy is great for that.

3. Reusable Wipes

I really love reusable wipes. They are so soft and gentle on Griffin’s skin, and I only use warm water so there is nothing to irritate or inflame his delicate little bottom. It seems like the more we wash them, the softer they become. I have a little wipe carrier for his diaper bag, and instead of putting wet disposable wipes in there, I just put a few wet reusable wipes in the case before we leave the house. So far, it has worked great!

4. Aden + Anais Muslin Blankets

When I was pregnant I heard lots of moms rave about these soft, cuddly blankets. Now I know what all the fuss was about. These muslin receiving blankets are perfect for my little summer baby. They are not too thick, and they are large enough to wrap him up snugly. In the evenings when Griffin’s drifting off to sleep I like to wrap him in two blankets to make sure he’s nice and warm. He seems to really like it.

5. Chicco Keyfit 30 Carseat

This one’s kind of obvious, but of course you need a car seat. When I was searching for car seats, I read a review of the Chicco Keyfit 30 written by a family who got in a roll-over accident on the way home from the hospital. They wrote that this car seat kept their baby so snug and secure, that despite their entire car rolling over, the baby slept through the entire ordeal. In addition to that anecdote, I read so many great reviews, particularly regarding its comfort and safety, and I was sold. As a bonus: it’s compatible with our incredible Bumbleride Indie Stroller (I. Love. This. Stroller.), so even though Griffin is teeny tiny, I can still take him on walks. I just secure the car seat in the stroller, and we’re off!

5. Nasal Aspirator

I wish I didn’t have to include this one. Unfortunately, I was pretty sick with a cold when I gave birth to Griffin. So of course, it wasn’t long before my sweet boy started showing signs that my cold germs had passed to him. Poor little man! He dislikes having his mucus sucked out, but everyone is much happier when his nasal passages are clear!

6. Water.

If you are going to breastfeed, you’re going to get super thirsty. Always keep your water nearby!

7. Itty bitty onesies

For whatever reason, when I was pregnant I convinced myself that I was going to have a giant baby. Maybe it was the fact that Daniel was nearly 10 lbs. Maybe it was the fact that during the month leading up to Griffin’s birth, it seemed like every birth announced at the birthing center involved a 10 lbs baby. Who knows. But when Griffin was born, I had ONE newborn outfit. And the little nightgown I brought to the birthing center was a 0-3 mos. size. He was completely swallowed by his 0-3 month clothes, so it wasn’t long before we made our way out to Target to grab some tiny onesies for his tiny body.
I never imagined that he would be so little! I love it!

8. Ring Sling - “carry your baby close”

I’m into baby-wearing in a big way. I like Griffin to be held close as often as possible, whether it be by me, his daddy, his grandma, grandpa, nana, etc. When I take him into stores I don’t want him several feet away from me in a shopping cart. I want him close, like a little kangaroo.

My mom made me a beautiful, linen, olive green ring sling based on the pattern we found on Katie the Doula’s blog, “Get Posh to Push.” I love this thing. I own an Ergo carrier and a Moby Wrap, but I love the ease and convenience of the ring sling right now. I can even nurse discreetly in it! I was walking around Target the other day, just nursin’ my baby and shopping for a cute top. Sometimes I’ll wear him in it just around the house if I’m in need of both hands for something.

9. Balboa Baby Nursing Cover

This nursing cover has been another convenient item to have on hand. I keep mine downstairs in the living room so I can nurse around visitors and brothers and such without having to excuse myself all the time (FYI, newborn babies nurse a lot!). And they come in such lovely, stylish patterns. I love mine!

10. Soothing sounds giraffe

I love giraffes. They are just so cute. This little stuffed guy has a device inside that makes “soothing sounds” to help baby sleep. I’ve noticed that Griffin (and me!) seem to fall asleep more quickly and sleep a little more soundly when I have the sounds playing. The ocean waves is our favorite soothing setting.

I really don’t know if this actually makes a difference. But I like it all the same.

There you have it. Ten things I’ve used the most over the past few days. So far we don’t use pacifiers, bottles or other “baby soothers.” Right now, I’m just not interested in items that keep Griffin from needing to nurse or from needing me. I’m quite all right with being needed by my infant. This stage of his life where he needs so much of his momma is such a brief, fleeting time. I may feel differently when I have other children that divide my attention, but for now, this is what’s coming naturally. And if there’s one piece of advice I received more than any other, it’s trust your instincts. No one knows how to be a better momma to your baby than you.

It’s taken me a week to write this out. Granted, I’ve been a little busy nursing, kissing, nuzzling, cuddling, changing, and loving on my new little boy. Forgive the length—I wanted to write out everything as I remembered it.

——-

Last Saturday morning I was 37 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

I was up bright and early. It was going to be a busy day starting with prenatal yoga at the Birthing Center (south location), then a breastfeeding class at the Birthing Center (north location), followed by me running home to get dinner ready for a group of Daniel’s colleagues that were coming over for a meal and drinks.

Yoga was refreshing and energizing. It was a longer practice than usual full of new challenging moves that left me feeling like I’d had a tough workout. When I got out of yoga I realized I was running late, so I quickly grabbed a cup of Kat’s delicious chai tea (she always makes a pot for the yoga mommas) and went home to pick up Daniel for our class.

The class was interesting and informative, but for some reason about half way through I started having problems focusing on the class. My mind was going stir-crazy and I started to feel unwell in a strange way. I didn’t want to be sitting still, I was uncomfortable, and felt as if I had to get out of that class. I knew it was important for me to be there, so I waited as long as I could possibly stand it before turning to Daniel and whispering, Are you ready to go? I’m ready to go! And we made a quiet exit.

When I walked out into the open air, the strange unwell feeling didn’t disappear. I thought perhaps it was due to the fact that I hadn’t eaten all day, so I told Daniel I needed some sustenance like, now.

Okay, what would you like? 

A Freebirds burrito.

We picked up our food and took it home. I scarfed down my burrito at a sort of alarming rate, and decided I needed to sleep a little before I started preparing for dinner. So I did.

Two hours later, at 4:15 PM, I started awake, hearing voices traveling up the stairs. I suddenly realized that our guests were arriving and I hadn’t even begun working on dinner. And yet…I laid there a little longer. As I lay there thinking about who-knows-what, I felt a tiny *pop* very low in my abdomen. It was an odd sensation, but I decided it was simply a swift baby movement.

I forced myself out of bed and made my way to the top of the stairs, and stopped short.

What the…? Was that…? Did my water break???

I turned around and rushed to my bathroom to confirm that yes, indeed. There was no question about what was happening. My mind started to race.

What about dinner? I need to call my mom (she and my dad were four hours away in Corpus Christi getting ready to do a presentation at a church). How can I tell Daniel about this in a subtle way? I need to call a midwife!

My thoughts were interrupted by Ethan coming upstairs. I said, “My water broke!”

He said, “Are you serious??”

“Yes!”

“Do you want me to tell Daniel?”

“Yes, please!”

As he ran downstairs I picked up my phone. Since it was a Saturday I had to call the Birthing Center after hours line and wait for a call back. So I did. As I waited for the midwife to call, I called my mom. Just as she picked up, I realized the midwife was calling me back, so I quickly spat out, “MOM. My water broke! The baby is coming! The midwife is calling me, I have to switch over!”

I think she asked me, “Are you serious?” before I clicked over to talk to the midwife. It was Vicki, and she told me to meet her at the Birthing Center so she could make sure my water had truly broken and make sure this was it. We live about 2 minutes away from the Center, so she asked me to give her about 20 minutes. And one more thing—could I feel the baby moving? No, not really. Well, I should feel him moving. She told me to start poking at him and see if I could get him squirming. I tried, and I felt a couple of slow movements. They were so faint that I started to worry.

In the meantime, Daniel came upstairs with a bewildered look on his face. “So this is happening?”

My mind started to fill with doubts, as I realized that since my water was broken I was officially on a time table: once your water breaks, the midwives want to see you in active, progressing labor within 24 hours. After that, it’s off to the hospital. I didn’t have long to linger on those thoughts before I started to feel my first few painful contractions. They weren’t intense, but they were definitely different than anything I’d felt before.

Daniel and I started timing the contractions and they were consistently 4-5 minutes apart. We met Vicki at the birthing center and she confirmed that my water had broken, checked on baby (he was fine!), and then she told me to head home. Based on my contractions she felt confident that we would be back in a few hours. We were to touch base around sundown and see how I was feeling.

Back at the house I started running around, making sure everything was ready to go. Daniel’s mom Jana arrived with the car seat she and my father-in-law were giving us as a gift, and Daniel and Ethan set about installing it in the car. Jana left to pick up some food and drink for us to take to the Birthing Center. It wasn’t long before things were ready to go, and we sat in the living room together timing contractions and waiting.

Around 7 PM my parents arrived from Corpus Christi. My mom had been in the middle of changing clothes for her evening presentation when she got my call, and without hesitation they jumped in the car and headed to Austin as quickly as speed limit laws would allow.

I sat on a birthing ball, walked around the house, sat still, all the while Daniel timed my contractions. They were still hovering around 4 minutes apart. So we decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood. Daniel, Ethan and I walked and things started to get a little more intense for me. The contractions were taking my breath away, and I couldn’t focus on conversation during them—a classic sign that active labor is impending.

When we got home I stretched out on my side on the bed as contractions were hitting harder and more quickly. Then Vicki called to check in. I told her I thought I needed to come in, but I might take a shower first. So we decided to meet at the Birthing Center in about 45 minutes.

I got up, went into the bathroom, had a contraction, and changed my mind. I was ready to go.

So Daniel called Vicki, informing her of the change of plans. And then me, Daniel, my mom, my dad, my two brothers, and Daniel’s mother packed up and headed over to the Birthing Center, arriving at about 9:30 PM.

My family stayed in the waiting room while Daniel and I went to the room I’d chosen to labor in—the “folk life” room. There, Vicki checked my progress.

2 cm.

I was devastated. I was so sure that I would have been further along. How much longer would this last??? Vicki said she’d leave us alone to labor for a little while, and then reluctantly said she might send me home again if we hadn’t progressed. Her advice: this is childbirth. It will be painful. Accept the pain. Just go with it.

The contractions were still coming, closer and closer together. I couldn’t believe things could be this intense and still my body had so much more to do! I tried laboring on the bed on my left side for about 30-45 minutes. While lying there contractions felt much more painful, but I breathed and relaxed through them. Surely, this meant progress.

I laid there as long as possible until the pain was too much, and decided it was time for “hydra-therapy.” There was a gorgeous, enormous walk-in shower in the bathroom and it was calling my name. I got in and sat on a towel on the floor with the shower head in hand, and sprayed the hot water over my contracting belly. It was wonderful relief. Something about the heat sensation made it easier for me to simply close my eyes and ride the waves of pain. Daniel sat on the bench in the shower behind me. He was such a strong support to me all through labor. We didn’t say much to each other, and I didn’t desire to be touched hardly at all, but I needed his presence there. It gave me strength to face this labor.

After about an hour (maybe more…time no longer mattered to me) I got out of the shower. I was afraid that the relaxation I was feeling as a result of the hot water was just slowing me down. I went back to lying on my side on the bed, feeling the full intensity of the contractions. Gradually I was becoming more vocal. Those deep, gutteral moans that natural birth moms always talk about started flowing from my throat all through the contractions. A few minutes later Vicki came in to check my progress. I was nervous, and then all of a sudden I was sick to my stomach. The nausea overwhelmed me and I threw up. It was awful. But then the nausea passed as quickly as it had come, and I laid down again so Vicki could check everything. 

She told me in very pleased, reassuring tones that I was just about 5 cm! What a relief!

At this point, I was allowed to get in the tub, but Vicki was hesitant to advise me to jump right in. She thought it might be good to wait through one more “cycle” of contractions. I agreed. I wasn’t ready to get in the tub.

She left us again and I continued laboring in a side-lying position until I couldn’t bear it any longer. It was back to the shower again.

Sweet relief! But only at first. As I sat there working my body started to feel very weary, as if I desperately needed to sleep. And then the relaxation I’d felt from the hot water earlier started to fade. The contractions were becoming SO painful and SO close together, all I could do was close my eyes and moan—louder and louder. Something had changed. I decided I needed to lie down again, as the exhaustion in between contractions started to overpower me. My body was so tired. 

As soon as I made it to the bed a strong contraction ripped through me. Inside I started to feel a sort of panic. I didn’t think I could do this. There was just no. way. Vicki came in, and with a twinkle in her eye said that it sounded like we were getting close. I’m amazed at how in tune she was with me the entire time. Her predictions and advice were so spot on at each moment through the whole labor. Her words of encouragement helped me when I thought I couldn’t go forward.

She checked me, and I was at 8 cm just 2 hours since we last checked my progress. In my mind I was half excited half disheartened. 8 cm was so close—but it wasn’t 10, and I was starting to doubt my ability to go on. Suddenly the contractions changed, and my moans started catching in my throat in sobs. The pain was more intense than anything I have ever felt. I felt trapped. I couldn’t get away from this pain. Vicki asked me if I wanted my mom for extra labor support and I said yes. She also wanted me on an IV to replenish my dehydrated body so I could have more energy for pushing. Everything was happening so quickly.

The pain changed again, and suddenly I felt my body start pushing. What was happening to me? I heard Vicki outside the door calling her assistant, telling her to come right away because I was having “involuntary pushing.”

She came over to the side of the bed and told me to go with what I was feeling. If I felt the need to push, then PUSH. So I did. And then I lost my confidence. The pain was so great, I really, truly thought I can not do this. It is impossible. So I told Vicki and my mother and Daniel that I couldn’t do it. And they told me I could. They told me I was doing it, and I was doing beautifully. I tried to argue with them, but they just reminded me to breathe through the contractions and they guided me through the pain. I listened and breathed and relaxed, even though every part of me wanted to tense up like a fist.

Then Vicki told me to get on my back, pull my knees up by my armpits, and bear down. It was time for this baby to come.

I was incredulous and a little scared, and a lot excited. The idea that the end was near energized me—but how long would I have to push? I realized there was nothing to do but get to it, so I rolled over on my back and did just as Vicki instructed.

Oh my goodness.

Pushing was the strangest relief. It was a welcome change to trying to relax through contractions. My body wanted me to tighten and bear down, and I obeyed. Vicki told me she could see the head! It had dark hair! I was doing great. Then she asked me if I wanted to see, and I said yes. So Daniel grabbed a mirror, my mom held it for me, and that was all it took to motivate me. It was honestly the most incredible, amazing, fascinating, awesome thing I have ever seen. Once I saw the progress I was making, a rush of adrenaline pumped me full of energy and I started to push with all of my strength. Vicki applied hot compresses and olive oil to the perineum to protect my body from damage and tearing, and then I pushed his head out. Vicki checked his neck for a cord, and then out came his body! It took 25 minutes and about 4 or 5 contractions, and suddenly, at 1:55 AM Sunday morning, the 28th of August, there was a brand new, wonderful baby boy - my baby boy - lying on my stomach.

For a moment I was stunned. I think I just kept saying, “Hi baby!” over and over again. I could only really see the top of his head as Vicki made sure he was breathing just fine (he was), and then they lifted him up to my chest so I could see his amazing face. It was the most wonderful, miraculous moment of my life. I was holding my son in my arms, after all of my preparation and labor. He was finally here.

Then the midwife’s assistant arrived.

Several minutes later, after the cord stopped pulsing, Vicki clamped the cord and Daniel cut it. Vicki told me there was no tearing or any real damage to the perineum. And she told me she could hardly believe this was my first baby - we had an amazing birth.

Then we were left alone to enjoy our new little boy for a while. I have no idea how long.  Daniel and I just sat and stared at him. Little Griffin. We couldn’t believe his little body, tucked away in my body for so many months, was here, in our arms, breathing and wiggling. Our lives are forever changed.

After a while Vicki and her assistant (Michelle) came back in to check his vitals and all that stuff.

He was 7 lbs. 2 oz, 20 in. long, and completely perfect.

(Vicki holding baby Griffin with Michelle)

After finishing all of his check-ups and getting myself cleaned up, Daniel, Griffin and I climbed into bed and rested. Daniel was exhausted and slept, but I was up and alert. I couldn’t stop staring into this new miraculous face. Suddenly I’d become a mother and my heart has been bursting with love ever since. About 7 hours later we packed up our things and took our baby home.

It’s hard to describe the intensity of emotions I’ve felt over the past week. There have been so many moments this week (probably influenced by hormones somewhat), when the power of this love I feel has completely overwhelmed me. It’s the kind of love that hurts…in a good way. There is this little person who has taken over my world and heart and soul and has turned my whole reality on its head. Life before he existed is a strange blur, and I’m loving every wonderful, crazy, frustrating, fulfilling moment of motherhood.

As I reflect back on the whole pregnancy/labor/birth process I am full of thanks. Going into all of this, and deciding to use the Birthing Center for this pregnancy, I was fully aware that things don’t always go as planned. I’m so grateful for the hours I spent doing prenatal yoga, conditioning my body to get it ready for the amazing birthing process. I’m thankful for the midwives, nurses, and midwife assistants that worked with us and educated us every step along the way, helping me to maintain a diet and lifestyle that contributed to a smooth and healthy birth. I’m thankful for the community of pregnant mommies that I had the privilege of getting to know throughout my pregnancy. They were a fun and sweet system of support.

And I’m thankful that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Giving birth was a truly supernatural, empowering experience. I certainly feel like I can do anything.

More than all of that, I am thankful for my family. I’m thankful for the love and support of my mom, dad, and brothers. I don’t know what I would do without them.

And of course, Daniel is the most incredible husband alive. He was so deeply involved and educated going into this. He came to every class and every appointment, even when his demanding schedule made it difficult. And he was the best birth partner ever.

I love this life.

36 Weeks, 2 days.

1 cm dilated.

50% effaced.

His head is down there.

I’m being a good girl, taking my Evening Primrose Oil, Blue Cohosh, Raspberry tea, doing my yoga, walking. 

And I have a prescription for plenty of vitamin “S.” (hubba hubba)

I’m having a ton of contractions (it’s not labor yet—which is good).

In other news:

The dresser is done!

The clothes and blankets and bedding are washed.

The room is nearly complete!

Yesterday I was on a quest. Actually, I’ve been on this quest for a couple of weeks, and its turning out to be much more difficult than I imagined.

Have you ever tried to buy a slip while pregnant? Really pregnant? (Yep. I’m officially there.) It’s basically impossible.

As I was out shopping at every store in town I was stopped on several occasions by people who said: Wow, you are right at the end, aren’t you?

Yep! Just about a month!

So far in my pregnancy the comments have indicated that I haven’t looked as big as I “should,” but yesterday that all changed. For a minute I thought to myself, I must be huge! But then I just smiled. I don’t actually feel huge, so maybe that’s why I don’t mind. I am just excited to be here. At the end. So close.

At my appointment yesterday everything was looking good. I’m averaging about a pound a week, and have been since the beginning of the third trimester. The baby is definitely head down. I scheduled my last few appointments, through 41 weeks (hopefully I won’t be able to make it to that one!). And I read that my boy should be his birth-length by now, he’s just packing on the fat during these last few weeks. I feel at peace about labor. And my belly is big.

It’s kind of amazing that this belly is (eventually) going to go away. I know it will take some time, but obviously with no baby or placenta or amniotic fluid in there it’s going to shrink. My uterus is holding a 5 lbs (or so), 18 in (or so) baby, and then one day soon it will be empty. The baby will continue to descend deeper into my pelvis until my body will suddenly know it’s time for this little one to start life on the outside. The organ I’ve been growing for 9 months (the placenta) will function until it’s no longer needed. And then my body will get rid of it. Then my body will produce food to provide for a dependent, hungry little baby. And I will no longer be pregnant. This is all so cool to me.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

My mom and I finally started staining the dresser and it looks amazing. I love it. Once we’ve finished with the next coat of stain and applied the polyurethane I’ll have pictures! It’s going to be awesome :)

It’s hard to believe there are less than 6 weeks before our due date. I sometimes look down at my growing abdomen and have a sort of out-of-body experience, thinking this can’t possibly be me. We’ve talked about and planned for and imagined this baby, but I still feel a little stunned when I think about the reality of holding my own child in my arms.Then I think, Don’t screw this up!

Today we went to the Birthing Center for our Centering class and pre-natal appointment. I was quite pleased to learn that we were going to look at baby on the ultrasound machine, just to see where he is. Mind you, the last time we got to see him I was only 20 weeks pregnant. At the time, that seemed so far along but my goodness! He sure has grown. It made me think back to our first ultrasound at 9 1/2 weeks and he was just a little blob. Today the midwife had to sweep the ultrasound wand across my belly in increments to see his head, his hands, his bottom, his spine, etc. Her comment about him was, “He’s big. Not too big. But healthy big.” That made me happy.

It was fun seeing him on the ultrasound and getting a context for all those pokes and jabs and rolling waves I’ve been experiencing. Thankfully, he’s head down. Hopefully he’ll stay that way. His spine is along my left side, his bottom is up in my ribs (that much I knew…for realz), and his legs and arms are along my right side. Optimal position for birth, I’m told!

Over the past few days I’ve sensed some creeping fears. I know that births rarely go exactly as planned, and there are lots of unknown factors. How will I handle the pain? What if something goes wrong? What if Daniel passes out? What if I have the baby in the car?! What if he turns out to be a she?!?! (That’s not really “scary”)

How can I cope?
Be honest with myself and face these fears, pray through them, and think on words like:

Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

It’s been good for me. In addition to being open-minded and looking forward in faith, it has helped to be surrounded by love and support. I have a completely amazing husband who has walked with me through every step of this process and preparation, and his encouragement and support lifts my heart and my spirits. I know I will be thankful for him in my hour(s) of need. I also have an amazing family and church family who tell me constantly of their prayers for me, and sometimes stop me and take a moment to pray for me right then! It’s overwhelmingly kind!

A lot of people who learn that I’m [planning on] giving birth at a birthing center are also kind to remind me, things don’t always go how you plan! My mind is prepared for that too. The number one priority to me is to have a progressive labor that produces a healthy baby. Or really, just a healthy baby. All the other variables are unpredictable, and while I believe in making plans despite not knowing what could happen, my mind is open. My heart is ready. Let’s do this! …in a few weeks :)
 

So far this weekend has been pretty dreamy. Friday night started with dinner out, just Daniel and me, and ended with watching a “mockumentary” in bed drinking Coke Zero (and an amazing massage for my aching, tired back…there’s no better husband than mine!). The movie we watched was called “Corked” and it was more strange than funny. It was definitely low-budget. And just…strange. It was meant to make fun of wine-makers and connoisseurs in California.

This morning Daniel was up before dawn to head out for a round of golf, and I got up for my pre-natal yoga class at the birth center. I always feel like a new person after yoga class. Carrying around all this extra weight, I sometimes don’t notice that I’m also carrying around a lot of extra tension. Breathing and stretching out my tight shoulders, hips, back and legs provides incredible relief. And all the moms at the birth center who attended yoga class for their first births say it helps tremendously with labor. Apparently you use a lot of your yoga practice when labor starts to get intense.

After yoga I made my way over to one of my favorite places in the world: Once Over Coffee Bar. If you live in or are visiting Austin I urge you to stop at Once Over for the best coffee you have ever tasted. They take coffee and espresso very seriously.

In early pregnancy I was told by both an OB-GYN and several midwives that I didn’t have to give up coffee. I’m not one who drinks 8 cups of sludge every morning. Before pregnancy I had maybe a cup every other day or so. I fell in love with the taste of smooth espresso and creamy steamed milk and the ritual of a warm cup between my hands on a quiet morning.  This morning I ordered a “froo froo” (as my dad might call it) frozen vanilla latte and a toasted rosemary sea salt bagel with cream cheese. Heavenly.

(Just a note: I know some pregnant moms consider any caffeine a risk, and of course you should follow the advice and instruction of your medical care-givers)

Now I’m off to continue and hopefully finish the sanding on our dresser so we can start the staining process. It is so fun and exciting to be D-I-Ying so much of the nursery! I never ever thought I would be the type to decorate a nursery. I used to say I would keep it to the bare necessities until our kids were old enough to have a say in how they wanted their room to look. But nesting changed all of that, I suppose! I have never considered myself to have any sort of decorating sense — and I still don’t; I guess we’ll see how this room turns out — but it has been fun to make this a project and use my creativity.

I hope you all have a wonderful, restful, fun weekend.

This afternoon the UPS man didn’t just drive past my house and make my dogs go crazy with his loud truck. No, today he stopped, rang the doorbell (causing even more chaos), and dropped off two large packages.

One contained the rug for the nursery. And I love it.

One contained the Bumbleride stroller. And I love it.

My brother Ethan helped me carefully assemble the stroller as we read through the instructions. And then we put the dogs in the stroller and pushed them around the house.